Trust in Singles’ Relationships

By Fr. Callistus Isara, MSP

Introduction

Trust is a crucial element in interpersonal relationship. The word trust is intrinsically a relational word; it describes the quality of a relationship between two or more persons. It has to do with putting faith, security, and confidence in another person. To trust means to rely on another person with a sense of assuredness or guarantee. This paper will first examine the meaning of trust and then highlight trust in the Bible. It also focuses on trust in human relationship, trust and betrayal in relationship and suggests varied ways to build trust in singles’ relationships.

The meaning of ‘trust’

The word ‘trust’ means “to be certain or secure” (The New Dictionary of Catholic Spirituality, p. 982). According to the Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, trust is “An act of dependency upon another person for the fulfillment of biological, psychological, social, or spiritual needs that cannot be met independently” (Baker Dictionary of Psychology, p. 1183). Thus, to trust means to have subjective confidence in another person to an extent that one believes and hopes in another, to be secure in another and even risk the harm or pain that the trust may bring. Trust is not an all or nothing affair. There are varying degrees of trust in different relationships. The trust I have for an old friend may not be the same for a new friend. Trust for members of one’s family may not be the same as trust for those outside one’s family. The trust a husband and wife have for each other may not be the same for others. Also, people generally differ in the way they trust: “Some persons are so trusting they are called gullible. Others are so suspicious that they are called paranoid” (Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, p. 1183).

Trust in the Bible

The Bible repeatedly maintains that trust solely belongs to God. In other words, God is trustworthy at all times because God does not fail. The Bible urges all to constantly trust in God. The word trust “occurs nearly two hundred times in the OT, most often in prayer and songs. Forty percent of its occurrences are in the psalms. It refers most often to trust in God” (The New Dictionary of Catholic Spirituality, p. 982). In the NT, trust is understood as faith especially faith in Jesus Christ. Like the OT, the NT insists that trust is to be placed in God alone because God is faithful to his promise. As the Letter to the Hebrews says, “Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful” (Heb 10:23); “By faith he received power of procreation, even though he was too old----and Sarah herself was barren----because he considered him faithful who has promised” (Heb 11:11).

Many psalms clearly encapsulate trust in God. For example:

• “O my God in you I trust” (Ps 25:2);

• “Trust in the Lord, and do good; so you will live in the land, and enjoy security” (Ps 37:3);

• “In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I am not afraid; what can flesh do to me?” (Ps 56:4);

• “In God I trust; I am not afraid. What can a mere mortal do to me?” (Ps 56:11);

• “For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth” (Ps 71:5).

Other passages worth citing with regard to trust in God are:

• “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight” (Prov 3:5).

• Our Lord Jesus tells us: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You trust in God, trust also in me” (John 14:1).

• St. Paul states in his Second Letter to Timothy: “For this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher, and for this reason I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know the one in whom I have put my trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard until that day what I have entrusted to him” (2 Tim 1:11-12).

By and large, “Trust is seen as foundational for further growth in the spiritual life, both in one’s relation to the unseen God and to one’s visible neighbour” (The New Dictionary of Catholic Spirituality, p. 983).

Trust in human relationship

Trust is an indispensable aspect of human relationships. Without trust, it is hard to imagine a fulfilled interpersonal relationship. To trust another person means to believe in the person, to count and rely on the person and to know that the person would always be there for you through thick and thin. To trust means to share one’s life wholeheartedly with another person. Trust does not come automatically in interpersonal relationship. It grows steadily over a period of time. Hence there is need for consistency in order to cultivate trust in a relationship. Consistency in a relationship occurs when you do what you say and say what you do. If you tell your friend you will visit him or her at a particular time and you always keep to time, you would have earned your friend’s trust that you will come whenever you promise to visit. But if you say you will come at a particular time and never kept to it once, or worse, if you often never made it, then your friend will have a hard time trusting you when next you say you will visit. If your words match your action, then you will surely be gaining trust in a relationship.

Trust builds up a relationship. It enhances intimacy and security between two people. One cannot have an enduring relationship without trust. The truth is that trust is an integral part of life. We learn to trust very early in life. For instance, infants learn to trust as soon as they are born. Infants’ first trust is on their mothers and other caregivers. When they cry, they know that their mothers would come to their aid. Hence when infants cry, they quickly stop crying as soon as their mothers cuddle them. The mother of an infant will reach straight to breastfeed the infant. This develops trust between mother and child. But neglected infants often feel insecure and have problem trusting people because of the neglect and abandonment they have experienced. Trust means I can rely on another person without the fear of rejection, betrayal, hurt, etc. It means I have faith in this person and that he or she is trustworthy. Trust means I can open up to another person and share my life with him or her. Trust is the wax that seals a relationship.

Trust and betrayal in a relationship

Trust builds up and solidifies a relationship while betrayal destroys a relationship. Betrayal occurs when the trust level is severely damaged as a result of a person acting contrary to the love and trust reposed on him or her by another. Betrayal is to be disloyal to another person’s trust. Betrayal severs the chord of a relationship. Hence, the person betrayed often feels disappointed and devastated. Betrayal wipes away the trust that holds a relationship together. The onus rests on the person who betrayed the other to work hard to regain the trust that was once reposed on him or her. We see betrayal in friendship, dating, courtship, marriage, in the Church, in government, etc. Any betrayal weakens the trust that once glued a relationship and if betrayal is frequent, it will surely damage a relationship.

The betrayal of trust in a relationship leads to hurt and all kinds of emotional and psychosomatic problems. Betrayal can damage one’s self esteem. Sometimes, the betrayed person feels that maybe there is something wrong with him or her, that is why the other has betrayed the love and trust of their relationship. Single women are more prone to feelings of hurt and emotional stress when they are betrayed by their male friends who renege on their promise of marriage. As a result of such hurt, some single women have difficulty trusting again. The truth is that such a female needs the support of her family, friends, the Church in order to restore her dignity and self-esteem and move on with her life no matter how difficult the pain of betrayal and separation. In my ministry here at the Gaudium Et Spes Institute, I have journeyed with many singles who found themselves in this predicament. After a series of counseling sessions, some singles come to realize that it is a blessing in disguise not to be married to such a person of dubious character. I have often told some ladies: “If this man can treat you this way now, you can imagine how he would have treated you if you were married to him. You deserve someone better than this man.” And from the ashes of betrayal comes healing and faith in self to move on with one’s life.

Betrayal also occurs when the promise of confidentiality is broken; this leads to lack of trust. If one discloses self in confidence to another and realizes that the other has revealed what is confidential to others, it will lead to a feeling of betrayal. There are some professions that must practice confidentiality. For example, priests, doctors, lawyers, etc. What is heard in confidentiality should never be divulged to another under any condition.

Betrayal in the past affects the ability to trust in a new relationship. This occurs quite often in singles’ significant relationships. Some singles are very cautious to the point of paranoia to trust in a new relationship because of past betrayal. This is how the betrayed person tries to avoid being hurt again. This makes it hard for such person to rely and believe in another person who seems trustworthy. Without letting go of past betrayal, it will be difficult for singles and others to have fruitful and trustworthy relationships. If you live in fear that this person will hurt you like in the past or will walk away from you like the past, then it will be difficult to foster trust in a new relationship. Though you have a right to protect yourself from pain and betrayal, it is important that you convince yourself that this person will not harm you as others have done in the past. In other words, give the new relationship a chance. Don’t live your life without the ability to trust. It is a tragedy to live in this world without trusting people. Because of previous experience of betrayal, some persons say that they will never trust again unless people earn their trust.

Building trust in singles’ relationships

As noted earlier, trust does not come automatically in human relationship whether in singles or other relationships. Thus, it is imperative to build and cultivate the trust level in singles’ relationships. The following are some of the ways that singles can build and develop trust in their relationships. The list is by no means exhaustive.

i) Be comfortable with others

One has to be interested in meeting other people in order to build a trusting relationship with them. For singles in significant relationships, it requires showing interest in meeting others and being comfortable with them. If one is nervous meeting others, it will be difficult to establish trust in a relationship. If you are single, you should be interested in meeting other singles and be comfortable with them; strive to make the best of your time when with others. Show signs that you are interested in meeting people. If you have a gloomy face all the time, it will be difficult for you to attract people to yourself. But if you have a warm smiling face with the disposition to reach out to others, you will definitely attract people to yourself. Being attracted to others is the beginning of building trust in a relationship.

ii) Be honest

Honesty is the bedrock of singles’ relationships because of the potential for marriage in singles’ relationships. Try to be yourself in your relationship so that your partner will know who you really are. Do not put on a different persona in order to be loved by your partner. Being true to yourself gives you respect in a relationship. Don’t exaggerate your importance and don’t claim what you are not. Be clear of what you need from a relationship and communicate this to your partner. All these will help to build trust in a relationship. Dishonesty will last for a while but eventually the truth will emerge. Sadly, some singles have deceived others all the way to the altar. In the Catholic Church, deceit is a canonical ground for the annulment of a marriage. Being honest with your partner will give you a clear mind and heart to develop and build trust in a relationship. It will also make you to be relaxed and comfortable in your relationship. Dishonesty will lead to confusion and heart break in the future. Be true to yourself. Telling your partner what he or she wants to hear is another sign of dishonesty.

iii) Show early on that you are a trustworthy person

A trusting relationship develops bit by bit. Ab initio, show your friend that you are trustworthy in little things. That is why at the beginning of a relationship say what you mean and mean what you say. It is only when you can be trusted in small things that you will eventually be trusted in big things. The Bible tells us, “Anyone who is trustworthy in little things is trustworthy in great; anyone who is dishonest in little things is dishonest in great. If then you are not trustworthy with money, that tainted thing, who will trust you with genuine riches? And if you are not trustworthy with what is not yours, who will give you what is your very own?” (Luke 16: 10-12).

iv) Foster effective communication

Effective communication is indispensable in any relationship. Oftentimes, communication is the first thing to break down in any relationship. The trust level of a relationship is badly affected when communication breaks down. A good communication with one’s partner which includes self-disclosure, empathy, caring, honesty, etc will build trust in a relationship. Effective communication requires both talking and listening. Sometimes people talk to one another and even at one another but they end up not communicating with one another. A functional communication is the ability to listen well and respond appropriately to what is heard. You communicate not just with words but with your heart. In a relationship, endeavour to listen to your partner from the heart and try to understand your partner from his or her perspective. Always try to put yourself in the position of your partner in order to truly understand him or her. A good communication with your partner will foster trust in a relationship.

v) Be open with your baggage

You should be as open and honest as possible in your significant relationship. Essentially, reveal your baggage at the beginning of a relationship. We all have one baggage or another in our lives and the earlier one reveals one’s baggage the better. Whatever the baggage may be, it is better to reveal it and let your partner decide whether they can live with the baggage. In singles’ relationship, it will enable your partner to decide whether they can go ahead and marry you despite your baggage. It is better to marry you with your baggage than to discover such baggage after marriage.

vi) Appreciate and compliment your partner

A relationship will grow in trust if there is mutual appreciation of each other. A word now and then to compliment your partner brings joy and a sense of self worth to them. But if you are always suspicious, paranoid, and focus only on the negative, such a relationship will have difficulty with building trust.

vii) Cultivate mutual interest and share in other’s interest

It is important that those in significant relationships should cultivate similar interest that both partners like and binds them together. When people have similar interest, it is likely that they will enjoy the company of one another and have fun together. If two persons have interest in music or sport, it will help to bond them together and build trust in their relationship. However, due to difference in personality trait, two persons may not always have similar interest. In that scenario, strive to learn and share in the interest of your partner and vice versa. That will bring greater trust and bonding with one another. Don’t dismiss the interest of your partner as rubbish. Doing so will destroy the trust in your relationship.

Conclusion

Trust is the cornerstone of interpersonal relationship. Hence we should strive to be trustworthy ourselves in order to earn the trust of others. Singles should ensure that they are neither gullible nor paranoid in their relationships. A person who is not trustworthy as a single person will not be trustworthy as a married person since people seldom change unless they deliberately tried to do so. Do not let your experience of betrayal in the past deprive you of this virtue of trust since it is inconceivable for a person to have a happy and fulfilled relationship without trust. It is better to have trusted and lost than not to trust at all. Our world would surely be a better place if more people are trustworthy. It is my prayer that we will strive to build trust in our relationships and thus make our world a better place.